


gwanghwamun wasn't built in a day

by souchipi



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Gen, Non AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 06:25:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16383020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/souchipi/pseuds/souchipi
Summary: exactly what the title says.





	gwanghwamun wasn't built in a day

**Author's Note:**

> this is the result of coming across this video at midnight: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLJXfNdTMJI  
> the roller coaster of emotions kyuhyun was on while giving his speech was just too incredible to not be inspired by.

**twelve years ago**

kyuhyun was never fond of boy groups; was never, in fact, fond of the idea of having to share his singing lines with anyone. he doesn’t want to imagine his voice getting overshadowed by anyone’s; he doesn’t want to imagine making a seven second appearance at a three minute long music video.

kyuhyun wishes he had auditioned five years sooner— or perhaps later— or just anytime, as long as it means that he wouldn’t have to take part in super junior. anytime is suitable if it means that he wouldn’t have to share stages and waiting rooms with twelve other boys with different hairstyles and different personalities.

kyuhyun doesn’t hate super junior, he just hates being in super junior. it’s not some sort of big mystery, people sometimes dig deeper than they are supposed to. and it probably would have been more bearable if he had been there from the start. it probably would have been more bearable if he didn’t have to spend more than five seconds trying to remember eunhyuk’s real name.

it’s always hard to be the newcomer. it’s always hard to be the one who breaks the so called constancy of an already established group. it’s always hard to try to adjust to their standards, to understand their inside jokes, to match their faces to their names. it’s hard to be the one everyone will have to squeeze some place for in the living room, to save a serving of ramen for, to leave a spot for in choreographies. it’s hard to walk in and claim the quarter of the singing lines when you only had been there for five minutes.

jungsu flips the table and knocks over the ceramic bowls of the hot spicy ramen kyuhyun had been cooking for the past twenty minutes.

kyuhyun finds it achingly hard to be the thirteenth member. kyuhyun finds it even harder to not feel like one.

  
**eleven years and five months ago.**

they say second chances are rare gifts. kyuhyun would like to punch whoever came up with that quote.

it’s really hard in a sense to follow the aim of spotlights when there are tears in your eyes. it’s even harder when you’re trying to blink the tears away.

kyuhyun thinks he could try and think about something else in order to chase away the seething torrent of emotions going through his mind. he could try and think about the way heechul always wears his shirts inside out. he could try and think about hyukjae’s ridiculous blond hair and extensions. he could try and think about something, someone, anyone, anything; just anything but the fact that they’ve just won their first award.

what’s there for him to cry about anyway? he’s been there for only five months. that doesn’t give him the right to break in tears for his team’s first achievement. that doesn’t give him the right to take credit for two years of blood and sweat. he’d never had to wear any mask to stage anyway. he’d never had to sleep on top of a metal box in cranky old gasoline smelling parking lots. he never passed away or spat out blood between the first and second rehearsals.

self-control is a learned behavior. he now knows how to hold back his tears when it’s advised to.

but there might be a word for the way jungsu holds him tight and says that he’s worked hard too. there might be a word for the way the noise is slowly drowning around him the more the hours tick away.

maybe it’s okay to cry.

kyuhyun’s tears taste of melancholy and relief. there’s a wedge of happiness lost in his eyes when he breaks in jungsu’s embrace.

maybe this is what it feels like to be accepted.

**eleven years ago.**

kyuhyun doesn’t remember the lyrics or even the tune of the song seunghwan was popping his head to. it might have been a ballad, or perhaps a classic rock song. it’s stupid to pop your head to either of them anyway.

in fact it’s hard to remember rhythms and tunes when there’s nothing but silence drowning around him, and it scares kyuhyun more than pain will probably ever do. why isn’t anyone screaming? why isn’t anyone moaning? shouldn’t they all be screaming for help? shouldn’t there be myriads of ambulances pulling by?

he feels a bloody taste in his mouth but he couldn’t figure out what it was. his eyelids are fluttering, his body is freezing under the three layers of clothes he’s wearing. maybe he’s overthinking it. maybe he’s at home, tucked into bed. maybe ryeowook, being the blanket hogger that he is, left him shivering under the chilly breeze of april. maybe kangin left the kitchen’s window open again. maybe he’s going through some sort of sleep paralysis, he’s experienced those plenty of times in the past few months; heechul said that it happens to him too when he’s so tired he can’t wake himself up.

maybe tomorrow he’ll wake up to hyukjae’s burned french toasts  and they’ll laugh about it the same way they always do.

but there’s the sound of rain on metal—so loud that he can’t possibly ignore. he feels the pain invading his body in a way that makes him feel numb. and suddenly the images of his mother’s smile and his father’s wrinkles are invading his vision; he hears the violin beats of his sister’s favorite morning sonata, the church bell is ringing nonstop and there’s a scent of olive wood and green peas lost in the air. he watches blurred pictures of twelve boys making a mess out of the kitchen, heechul is making a lot of noise in the living room, donghae is annoying the life out of shindong, jungsu is laughing at something hyukjae must have said and jongwoon is pestering their ears with their debut song over and over again.

“oh god. kyuhyunnie, kyuhyunnie… please hang in there. help is coming. please hang in there.”

kyuhyun’s vision blurs, there are tears in hyukjae’s eyes and he can’t make much out of his words. his head feels so heavy, his eyes can no longer support the weight of his eyelids. and it’s only when hyukjae held his hand that kyuhyun realized how cold he must have been.

**ten years and ten months ago.**

“believe me, you’re lucky you’re not taking part in this stupid movie.”

kyuhyun watches heechul’s fingernails digging holes against the orange’s skin as he peels it. he stuffs a piece into his mouth and starts grumbling about his role. kyuhyun thinks that heechul is lucky to be blessed with the gift of the blabber.

the lights of the city blink back at them when the nurse draws the curtains. kyuhyun thinks he hates hospital rooms. he hates the sight of white walls caving in around him. he hates the beeping of machines and monitors. he hates the blood and sterile gowns. but heechul always visits him to make everything more bearable. he comes in and starts talking about nothing and everything. he always has gossips up his sleeves and it makes kyuhyun feel like they’re picking up a conversation they left on pause months ago. but somehow, despite the big smile on heechul’s lips, kyuhyun knows that everything is going downhill. silence can say a lot more than words can, and everything that follows is details after all.

the room gets quiet past the visiting hours. donghae texts him random jokes he’s heard from shindong and jongwoon calls him just to update him on what they’ve been up to.

kyuhyun feels miserable to be so close yet so far away from them. it makes him feel like time has stopped pushing through life for a while. it makes him feel so much like he’s been left ten steps behind.

and kyuhyun finds it ridiculous to feel a remissive longing for home.

he finds it even more ridiculous that he pictures the dorms when he thinks of home.

**ten years ago.**

beijing has smoke trapped inside its lungs. kyuhyun feels miserable to live in there.

zhoumi says there would be a lot to explore if only they were allowed to be at more than ten feet away from their dorms. kyuhyun gives up trying to imagine what china might look like from anywhere other than the windshield.

so he spends his time smashing virtual things against his keyboard. donghae sometimes joins him just to pester him about his secret strategies in starcraft and kyuhyun never gives in to his pleads.

time slowly grinds along the never ending chinese lessons and the long running tv shows. and with three awards in hand, kyuhyun suddenly feels unreasonably sad; as if some part of him has been missing. as if he’s been dissembled in pieces and hurriedly put back together.

kyuhyun doesn’t understand. he shuts down the feeling by smashing more virtual things against his keyboard.

**nine years and one month ago.**

kyuhyun lost count of how many times heechul had casually mentioned going for a solo career. he had mentioned  it so often that the idea became baseless and unfound. and it was perhaps the kind of formality they had developed over the years but neither of them gave it much thought. and when heechul starts asking for fewer lines in their third album, the background noise becomes real and kyuhyun feels so much like suffocating.

“just like that?” kyuhyun asks. there are tears in his eyes and heechul looks away.

“just like that.”

and kyuhyun leaves it at that. because there’s no point in arguing further when the lines are already drawn.

three weeks later heechul comes to their practice room and starts dancing in the back. kyuhyun hugs hyukjae and never says why.

**nine years ago.**

sorry sorry is the most ridiculous song kyuhyun’s ever heard and he hates the way their voices were so auto tuned they could hardly recognize whose voice is whose anymore.

but jongwoon sings it every day in the shower and hallways, he sings it so often that kangin threatens to throw him in the street the next time he does so.

kyuhyun looks around the dorm and thinks of how strange it is to feel like it’s gotten a lot quieter since kibum has left. kibum was never much of a talkative person anyway so it’s unreasonable to feel that way. it’s even more unreasonable because heechul is in the kitchen shouting over the whirring of the juice blender and shindong is making so much noise that jungsu has to wear earplugs to sleep.

but kyuhyun still feels the quietness bleeding in the spaces kibum used to fill.

kyuhyun has barely gotten used to kibum’s absence when kangin receives sentence for drunk driving case.

**eight years and two months ago.**

it somehow ends in december when they get a taste of being real stars. but there’s an odd intonation to hangeng’s voice when kyuhyun hugs him with two awards in hands.

kyuhyun gets an urge to tell him about how thankful he is for taking care of them while they were in china, for pandering to their childish whims and caprices. but he doesn’t say anything and just presses his nose affectionately into his hair. 

hangeng leans back into the touch and kyuhyun feels a sudden warmth englobing his insides. sometimes you don't need to say the right words for the message to get through.  
  
months later, they wake up from the happy blur of fame when hangeng files a lawsuit against sm.

kyuhyun regrets not saying what he had wanted to say back then. kyuhyun wonders if it would have changed a thing.

**eight years ago.**

kyuhyun thinks that it’s strange how life goes on when you least expect it to. with two members down, and one in the army, bonamana comes  and they feel the sand under their fingertips.

kyuhyun gives in to the childish games and pranks just in order to see heechul smile again. yet, there’s a tendency to miss someone even when he’s within a reachable distance.

in summer the dorms are transformed into a mess of ten boys screaming at the top of their lungs as they watch the world’s cup. kyuhyun finds it magnificent over the howling of jongwoon whenever the national team scores a goal or two.

kyuhyun feels an everlasting presence by his side, day by day, month by month, year by year. a devoted history, clear as daylight.  
  
**seven years ago.**

mr simple is a ridiculous song. more ridiculous than sorry sorry ever was. but never as ridiculous as heechul’s enlistment.

“stop looking so miserable, you’re creeping me out. we agreed to take turns doing it. we can’t escape enlistment.” heechul turns around to scrub a mug clean.

kyuhyun tries to not cry as he watches heechul’s winning speech's rerun on tv.

**six years ago.**

kyuhyun goes to the front of the bus and pulls his hoodie over his head. trees and people are flashing by. jungsu gets farther and farther away with every mile.

kyuhyun wishes they had covered enlistment back in their trainee days.

**five years ago.**

kyuhyun decides he likes musicals.

the front row is filled with fans. kyuhyun can’t read the words on the fanboards because the stadium is too dark. it’s hard to figure out the shapes of words and alphabets or the figures of people sitting there when the lights are only aimed at stage.

there’s not much to see but a lot to feel. his lips twitch and break into a smile when he hears hyukjae and sungmin’s voices loud and clear cheering on him from the back.

the first thing kyuhyun does when he meets them on backstage is scold them about coming. hyukjae is next saying nonsense—the kind of nonsense kyuhyun doesn’t even bother to listen to. but there’s a huge smile on his lips and kyuhyun feels warm inside.

**four years ago.**

on the day kyuhyun records his first single, he shuts down his phone and disappears off the globe as shindong likes to put it.

he doesn’t understand the point of keeping them in the dark about it either. but some things just happen like that. sometimes you do things on a whim. there’s no clear explanation behind them, and no one is supposed to ask for any.

“did you think we’d be spiteful to hear you’re releasing a solo album?” ryeowook asks.

kyuhyun doesn’t think spiteful is the right word to use. he tries to think of a more suitable one but nothing comes to his mind so he just leaves it at that.

he doesn’t dwell on how awkward it might have been for ryeowook to think of something to say right then.

**three years and eight months ago.**

there’s probably confetti in his hair and lights aimed at his eyes when he’s won his first music show award.

kyuhyun doesn’t really notice.

he tries to remember what he wanted to say. there are a lot of people to pay tribute to right then. there are a lot of words to build together and push out of his mouth syllable by syllable.

why are there a lot of people around anyway? what’s with this music they’re playing in the background?

kyuhyun tries to blink away his tears. he closes his eyes and thinks of the way jungsu had shuffled down the road in the cold weather to the nearby music store to buy his album the moment it got released. about the way donghae had digitally listened to his album more than all his fans combined probably have. about the way hyukjae memorized the lyrics of his song even though he had scolded him repeatedly for being noisy whenever he practices his singing in the shower.

he looks at the roof, the floor, the crowd and then at the camera. he coaxes a laugh out of his mouth but his tears fall down startlingly.

he pays tribute to the members.

**three years ago.**

hyukjae and donghae leave for the army the same way jongwoon, sungmin and donghee did before. siwon follows two months later.

it’s okay, kyuhyun thinks. after all, when you get used to something it naturally becomes okay. but when he walks to the kitchen the quietness hallows his insides, and he suddenly misses the noise of thirteen boys making a mess out of the place.

sometimes he wakes up in the morning and expects to see heechul screaming at ryeowook from the the living hoom, hyukjae playing cards with shindong and jongwoon talking to his turtles in the bedroom.

he looks around the dorm and thinks that he has too many memories here to ever be able to move out.

he just wishes for time to rewind a decade and a little bit more.

**now.**

kyuhyun sneaks into backstage, hyukjae and donghae are wearing their ridiculous supposed to be fashionable outfits and kyuhyun wonders whose idea it was to give these two idiots a concert tour.

there’s nothing much to report. hyukjae is saying nonsense again. donghae is saying nonsense too. and kyuhyun doesn’t bother to listen.

he snuggles into his liverpool scarf, the one heechul has gotten him for his birthday and feels the ghost of noisy crowded empty rooms envelop his insides again.

some things remain real, kyuhyun thinks. he doesn’t allow himself to remember that in two days he’ll be headed back to seoul. he thinks ahead instead.

in six months he’ll be discharged. in six months, time will push back through life again.


End file.
